I will only blog about what I have experienced in Australia in the next post.
For now, I want to make things right. No more doubts. I have recently read this post "5 tips to surviving an LDR (Long Distance Relationship)" which slapped me awake, that being away from you is not a bad thing afterall. Distance had been unbearable to me for the past few weeks (Since the day I arrived here, 16th of February 2014) and on those few days where I need a good hug, cry or even celebrate something, I'm alone and you're not there for me.
* *Link: http://shashasekharan.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/5-tips-to-surviving-an-ldr/
I have recently continued doodling about my life in my sketchbook, my life companion here. I have my pet pillow, Fluffy too. Oh, I love hugging it to sleep, every single night.
"An LDR? Its easy to reject a call, ignore that text/email/snapchat/whatsapp or whatever it is that people do on their phones nowadays. Its easier to not voice it out and ignore the problem. Hence communication. If there is a problem, talk about it, find a solution. No point ignoring someone you love now is there?"
On the day I reached here, you didn't even whatsapp me how am I doing, have I reached safely yet, or have I met up with Kevin to pick me up from Tulamarine, Melbourne airport. I'm still using my Malaysian for Whatsapp anyway. When I knew you have shown so much concern and motivation to Faith even when she's just moving to a new house, I was taken aback. I'm here, all alone, in a foreign country, you showed zero concern to me. I was so hurt, so so hurt. I cried for days. I have tried every single thing (Including biting myself, or do things that will make me forget about it) but I can't. I was frustrated. Probably I tried too hard. Listening to your voice means so much to me. Only if you know that.
I was campaigning sleeplessness, just to talk to you. But I will refuse to admit that I have insufficient sleep. Truth is, I don't. I'd rather sleep for 3 hours only, as long as I get to talk to you. In the morning I was so sleep deprived that I had daytime sleepiness, headache and depression. When I'm asleep, you will be awake. When I'm awake, you will be asleep. Although the time differences between Melbourne and Malaysia is only 3 hours, you still struggle to find time for me.
Previously, we came to an agreement to Skype every day for an hour. One hour, is all I need from you. When I was feeling upset, were you there for me? Instead, you just said "Come on, grow up. It's not the end of the world" These words, they choked me. They resonate in my heart. They won't let me sleep.
Do you know about the wonders of Whatsapp? The "last seen at.." function. You read my messages but you will never reply. Your reason? You didn't see. You're replying others on the groupchat, but you told me you didn't see. Fine, I will just let it slide. I will update you every single day about my life in Australia through Snapchat, but you hardly do so. It's just a reply to what I sent to you.
Just now, when I asked you "Is Faith joining the audition as well" TWICE, you chose to ignore it and changed topic. Why do you always hide things away from me? I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you're thinking about or what you're doing. A simple good morning, or hey baby i'm going to sleep now, means soo soo much to me Really, -THHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT MUCH-
Honestly, there's so much of temptations here. There are many good guys around. Call me an idiot, but I just can't let you go. I will choose to hide at a corner and weep about it. I have no one to talk to (cause I know it's our personal problems & I shouldn't mention this to anyone. I'm jealous of you, PL. You have a really great guy, who looks after you eventhough you both are miles apart. "Can I get a bao bao from you, Please button up, I love you, This flower reminds me of you..etc" Mini surprises like a visit to Europe or even Maldives.
That, I can never and won't expect it from N. I know, for sure, you won't do it for me. You will not sail through the storms, just to see me, which contradicts with the poem you wrote for me years ago. It's difficult to keep a smile on my face, when I'm down. Had to do it anyway. Why am I still wasting my time waiting for you, wishing that you will never change. Do u know the reason why I picked up cooking, dance or even developing an interest for games? It's for you. I don't want to be seen as the useless girlfriend, whom you will never be proud off. Yes, I'm not a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. You said you need your space but when i chose not to reply, you will say "I know you're bitching about me, so why didn't you reply me?"
I'm not that low to bitch about you to anyone else. FYI
Why did you pick me anyways? Why do you do this to me? If you can't be sure that I'm the one, why did you go after me? If you wanted to try other girls first, WHY PICK ME. WHY! I don't like to be fooled around. I don't like my love for someone to be stomped on and pretend as if nothing happened before.
Your words and actions killed me.
Yes, I'm feeling jolly now and will always be. Pretending like nothing happened.