Thursday, September 5, 2013

I just feel better saying it here. There are days that I wish I could just tell you everything, not afraid to speak my mind out. Knowing that you would care. I stopped telling you things when you asked, cause things would not change from the way it is now. Previously, I tried telling you things, without offending you, or just telling you so I would feel better, but instead you didn't care, probably only for a day or so.

Last time, you would do anything for me. When I'm feeling down, you would write letters to me, or when I wanted to see you, you would cycle out from your house, just to see me, even if its only for 10 minutes. You would ask me out. Say the sweetest words to me. Surprise me. The reason is, you're busy with work, you're busy with friends, you're busy making new friends, and you have a car now. There's no need to cycle anymore. And yes, probably you got a point there. To you, I'm not an open-minded girlfriend, timid and controlling. I highly disagree with you on that. If I'm not open-minded and is a control freak, I would have stopped you and forbid you from meeting up with girls who are very touchy with you, jump on you, flirt with you, cries to you when they are sad. IF you were me, could you tolerate any of those if another guy is doing that to me? I tried my best to deal with it, or even to forget about it. I tried soo hard, soooo hard. 

You're a person who loves attention from others. Sometimes, blinded by it that you will just push me aside. When you need me, I have to be there for you. When I need you, where were you? It's eye sore sometimes, looking at you being so close with a girl, but you have never told me about it before. I have no idea what's going on in your life nowadays, or even what you do. Or even whom you're friends with.

Honestly, I feel somewhat offended when you introduced me to your friends as your friend. Am I really your friend or your girlfriend? Sometimes, you pretended as if you're single. That gave other girls the wrong idea. You led a girl on. Shin. When I asked you why didn't you tell me that she likes you when I told you earlier that she has feelings on you? You said you don't find any necessities to tell me.

Sometimes, you said you will forget whatever that I told you, or what you have said to me that really offended me big time. But whatever that others told you, you will listen, you will pay heed, you will care. What about me?

I disliked the idea when K jumped on you or she wanted to bathe in your bathroom. You said okay to her then only asked me if I'm okay with it. I somewhat prefer if you asked me first. Not her. Am I really JUST a friend to you? I too disliked it, when you pushed your studies aside, so that you can focus more on making new friend. Making more new girl-friends (That's what you told me) especially music society. I'm not against it, but I felt sad and left out, when T said all the girls were head over heels on you and you wanted to teach them violin because of that. And you have not told me about it before.

What really hurt me most when you asked me ..more than thrice, if I will wait for you, while you go try other girls out. I said I won't. You asked "Why?". I said I won't get back together with a person whom hurt my feelings and I doubt we will still be friends. Whenever the guys are talking about girls or when I wanna meet my girlfriends up, you will ask the guys and me if the girls are hot and you want to see them. Makes me think that you're fucking desperate. Is your manhood feeling itchy?

You will hide things away from me. So sneaky and secretive. When I asked you what exactly are u doing and told you not to lie to me, you stutter. When I forced you to tell me the truth, you said you're sorry and you're just nervous, very nervous. Many told me that you won't cheat on me, but afterall the things that you have done, do you really think that things will stay the same as it was? I honestly tell you, no. When I'm with you, I don't feel like myself anymore. I have to constantly be okay with anything that you do, and not get angry (Because I promised you).

Your friends think that I'm lying when I told them about this. Do I really need to lie about all these? I can't tell this to anyone anymore. Not even my closest friend. Also, I don't want to go to Australia for an exchange or even for a transfer, cause I'm feeling insecure about you. You'll do something stupid when I'm away. Can you prove to me that I'm wrong? Can you? I have been under pressure lately because of this.

Probably, I'm just your assistant to settle things for you or just a friend.