What makes me smile? I have lost count of the days where I used to smile whenever I see you, or even catch a glimpse of you. It's been a long time since I last blog. Probably I feel better after blogging it out. Its aching to keep it in. I drifted myself apart from you. I know that I can't have you, that's I want you so bad. This post makes me look like a sad fuck. It was our honeymoon year in 2008 and 2009. But things changed ever since. You lied to me, hiding things away from me, but instead, accusing me for being overly sensitive. How does it feel like to repeatedly lied to? You told people that you're single, do I bring shame to you? Some say it's your first relationship, that I can't entirely blame you for it, but instead endure everything that you do. I do rant at times, why? Because it's so frustrating that I can't tell you how I feel and what I think. Or we will definitely argue. (The cycle keeps on repeating) Do u know how huge the pressure is to be with you? Pressure from your mum if you don't excel well, pressure that if you don't excel well you can't go to Australia like what you have always told me that you want to go there, the pressure of you cheating on me and many more. (Considering the previous lies).
You said you're being comfortable with me, that you can be just who you are when you're with me. Why do you always feel sleepy when with me? When you're with others, you're hyper, as if you took heaps of sugar. You like seeing others happy, but what about me? When asking you why, you said you don't know. Just so you know, I have not been happy for a long time. When I hold your hands, you asked if I did wash my hands. Well, I think that's an insult? You literally gave me the "annoyed" look. When I'm ill, have you every cared for me? Well, that very first time when you came over to my workplace to pick me up cause I was having a real bad day at work and was having bad cramps, made me smile the whole day. Like I was love struck all over again.
Do you know what I really want from you? Just your attention. That's all. Your concern. Am I asking too much? Too much for you to commit? I admit, I diverted my attention away from you and placed it on others. Just because I feel appreciated whenever I talk to B. He talks to me everyday, asking me how's my day. Never once I feel sad talking to him. Probably I just know him for a short period of time. Truth is, I like compliments sometimes (Afterall, I'm a girl). Can you treat me like I'm a special person to you, everyday, not just on our special days?
I depend on myself, to look after myself. I can't feel safe anymore in your arms. Have I ever told you this before? A hug means everything to me. A warm and safe hug. Mum used to hug me tight, when my dad was ranting at me. Rotan-ing me. I clearly remember what she told me "Don't cry, mummy is here for you, you will be safe" I grew up with that in mind.
I want to be appreciated for what I have done for others. Same to you too. Ugh, what a weak in this post. I grew up too, being insecure in everything I do. Feeling so afraid. Including Boogeyman (Long time story, what an embarrassment) I don't like being lonely, I really hate that feeling. Being lonely is like, there's no shoulders to lie on, no one to comfort me, no one to make me smile, no one to talk to,
Only if you know this.