Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Hui Ee you know, died today.

Breaking up with you on the 25th of March, was indeed a big blow to me. NEVER in my life, I hated someone so much before. I can't rant this elsewhere, I can't rant this to anyone (aside my closest friends), I can't make it official on Twitter and Facebook cause I'm waiting for you to do so. Talking to you like a normal friend, pretending nothing happened, do you really think it's easy for me? You said you still want to talk to me as a friend, I hated every single moment of it. Even Snapchat triggers every feeling! Every single bit of it. I held in my tears, I tried not to cry. I have to muster up enough courage to do it all the time.

It's the 28th today. We were supposed to celebrate our monthversary. It's my sister's birthday as well. I hate this number. I really hate it! 28th. Will be one of the dates I hate in my life.

We have been through so much. I feel like your dummy. You led me on. Do you ever have genuine feelings for me before? Catch a falling star? It's such a contradiction that I fell hard and no ones there to catch me. Your reason of breaking up?

1) You don't know what's out there for you to explore
2) You have this strong urge to know how it feels like to be single
3) You engaged yourself in so many social activities that you don't have time for me
4) You don't want to hurt me anymore

I had the urge of knowing how it feels like to be single, but I will never give up on someone I love the most. Loving you, has been the best times of my life. Why can't you balance both social activities and me in your life? I'm only asking for 1 hour of your time of skyping and you can't even do it. You said you have tried, but can't you try harder? Sacrificing for me was never an option for you all these while. What I find pathetic is that you asked your friend to be there for me when I'm at the lowest point in my life. You said you will be there for me till I'm ready to let go. Im not an object FYI.

Reason is?

You feel bad.

I find myself stupid for loving you. I would do anything just to be with you, just to message you all the time.  I even ran out in the cold, to the university just to get an internet access so I would be able to talk to you when Optus line was down. It's so stupid. I'm stupid.

The night we broke, within one hour you deleted all of my photos and our memories together. This proves how fast you can get over it. How much more heartless can you be?

You asked me not be attached to anyone in this 4 months period. Okay fine,  I will wait till you decide what's best for you. Your call. I am the one who always have to do the waiting, but what if it's not worth the wait?

There's so many things that I don't know about you. You did things that you have not told me about. Who ended up telling me? Your friends. This is unbearable. All of these, are lies.

What we have been through are all lies.

Your friends are having a birthday surprise for you, and apparently it's supposed to be a secret away from me. They played it this way. You played it this way. Way to go guys. If you all feed on my misery, go on. I'm left with nothing but a broken heart. You win. You all win. I know I'm not in a position to know about it.

How much more do you want to hurt me?

I wish I have never met you before.

I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be given false hope. I don't want to wait.

I will shut myself down completely.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I will only blog about what I have experienced in Australia in the next post.

For now, I want to make things right. No more doubts. I have recently read this post "5 tips to surviving an LDR (Long Distance Relationship)" which slapped me awake, that being away from you is not a bad thing afterall. Distance had been unbearable to me for the past few weeks (Since the day I arrived here, 16th of February 2014) and on those few days where I need a good hug, cry or even celebrate something, I'm alone and you're not there for me.

* *Link:

I have recently continued doodling about my life in my sketchbook, my life companion here. I have my pet pillow, Fluffy too. Oh, I love hugging it to sleep, every single night.

"An LDR? Its easy to reject a call, ignore that text/email/snapchat/whatsapp or whatever it is that people do on their phones nowadays. Its easier to not voice it out and ignore the problem. Hence communication. If there is a problem, talk about it, find a solution. No point ignoring someone you love now is there?"

On the day I reached here, you didn't even whatsapp me how am I doing, have I reached safely yet, or have I met up with Kevin to pick me up from Tulamarine, Melbourne airport. I'm still using my Malaysian for Whatsapp anyway. When I knew you have shown so much concern and motivation to Faith even when she's just moving to a new house, I was taken aback. I'm here, all alone, in a foreign country, you showed zero concern to me. I was so hurt, so so hurt. I cried for days. I have tried every single thing (Including biting myself, or do things that will make me forget about it) but I can't. I was frustrated. Probably I tried too hard. Listening to your voice means so much to me. Only if you know that.

I was campaigning sleeplessness, just to talk to you. But I will refuse to admit that I have insufficient sleep. Truth is, I don't. I'd rather sleep for 3 hours only, as long as I get to talk to you. In the morning I was so sleep deprived that I had daytime sleepiness, headache and depression. When I'm asleep, you will be awake. When I'm awake, you will be asleep. Although the time differences between Melbourne and Malaysia is only 3 hours, you still struggle to find time for me.

Previously, we came to an agreement to Skype every day for an hour. One hour, is all I need from you. When I was feeling upset, were you there for me? Instead, you just said "Come on, grow up. It's not the end of the world" These words, they choked me. They resonate in my heart. They won't let me sleep.

Do you know about the wonders of Whatsapp? The "last seen at.." function. You read my messages but you will never reply. Your reason? You didn't see. You're replying others on the groupchat, but you told me you didn't see. Fine, I will just let it slide. I will update you every single day about my life in Australia through Snapchat, but you hardly do so. It's just a reply to what I sent to you.

Just now, when I asked you "Is Faith joining the audition as well" TWICE, you chose to ignore it and changed topic. Why do you always hide things away from me? I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you're thinking about or what you're doing. A simple good morning, or hey baby i'm going to sleep now, means soo soo much to me Really, -THHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT MUCH-

Honestly, there's so much of temptations here. There are many good guys around. Call me an idiot, but I just can't let you go. I will choose to hide at a corner and weep about it. I have no one to talk to (cause I know it's our personal problems & I shouldn't mention this to anyone. I'm jealous of you, PL. You have a really great guy, who looks after you eventhough you both are miles apart. "Can I get a bao bao from you, Please button up, I love you, This flower reminds me of you..etc" Mini surprises like a visit to Europe or even Maldives.

That, I can never and won't expect it from N. I know, for sure, you won't do it for me. You will not sail through the storms, just to see me, which contradicts with the poem you wrote for me years ago. It's difficult to keep a smile on my face, when I'm down. Had to do it anyway. Why am I still wasting my time waiting for you, wishing that you will never change. Do u know the reason why I picked up cooking, dance or even developing an interest for games? It's for you. I don't want to be seen as the useless girlfriend, whom you will never be proud off. Yes, I'm not a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. You said you need your space but when i chose not to reply, you will say "I know you're bitching about me, so why didn't you reply me?"

I'm not that low to bitch about you to anyone else. FYI

Why did you pick me anyways? Why do you do this to me? If you can't be sure that I'm the one, why did you go after me? If you wanted to try other girls first, WHY PICK ME. WHY! I don't like to be fooled around. I don't like my love for someone to be stomped on and pretend as if nothing  happened before.

Your words and actions killed me.

Yes, I'm feeling jolly now and will always be. Pretending like nothing happened.