Being an adult

So, I'm 21 now.

How does it feel like being 21? Well, no difference. Nothing significant happened on that day, but I sure do get lots of presents! Wippeeee! :D

Boyfriend organized a party for me, though I sort of expected that it will be held at his house. His plan didn't go very smoothly that day. We bought Laser tag coupons from Groupon for ourselves and friends. Unfortunately, we did not read the terms and conditions that its only valid on weekdays not weekends. It was a careless mistake that we did not read it prior to buying it. We were supposed to meet up with everyone else at 430pm, but most of them reached late. Everyone was putting the blame on us, especially my boyfriend. I dislike it when Tarvin's like "Omg, you stupid, you should not have planned anything at all, it will never turn out well". Hey, my boyfriend has feelings too okay :( Some even gave suggestions to go for a karaoke. Only half of them are willing to pay RM55 for laser tag (without the coupon).

I know he's stressed up planning things for me. That day, I felt a tinge of loneliness. In the morning, N went out with Kylie to buy things for my birthday surprise. On our way there, he kept on calling me "Your majesty", picking me up from my house with his "chariot". Yes, I'm flattered that I actually felt like I'm a queen. Wahaha! For once :) When we reached Mid Valley, I tried talking to him. But he's always on his phone, texting & calling. I know he planned things for me, that's why I didn't want to bother him that much. Probably he's stressed up. That's when I felt lonely. I tried talking to him, giving him suggestions, or even asking him questions, he will just take a glance at me and look away.

When Kylie talks to him about anything at all, like when she wants to buy a new phone, or was even fascinated with the Astro "tweeting" thingy, he will talk to her, and walk with her. So, I guess I will just walk behind of them, since he ignored me. If you would think it's jealousy, I don't think so. I just feel like I'm being ignored.

Luckily Riyal managed to persuade the Laser Tag management to let us use our coupons on that day, since it's my birthday and it's hard to gather everyone together for that day. Things went smoothly, but N keeps on blaming himself. Sigh. I don't want him to feel that way. It makes me sad when he's stressed up or sad. I was also sad that time cause I couldn't do anything. I don't even know what's going on.

Laser tag with friends was awesome :) We played 3 games, and it feels much different being a member and a non-member. You get much more privileges being a member, with automatic gun etc etc. Then everyone bid their farewells and told me that they will see me some other time, since my boyfriend have "dinner plans" with me. But the truth is, they went back home to get ready for the party :')

What makes me sad that day too was when Kylie and Ronald argued over a small matter. Ronald's being an egoistic boyfriend who will never admit his mistakes and will never try to make things right. Kylie has a princessy/egoistic temper that she will not call him, and will frown or even walk away to somewhere and everyone will have to go around looking for her. I tried my bestest to calm her down, offered my hugs, trying to make her laugh, but she rejected everything. Ronald was supposed to fetch her back, but he walked away without her. I told her that N can fetch her back, but she doesn't want to. Time was delayed. But Tarvin dragged her to a corner to talk about it. N just went off while me standing waiting for him. He went off to find her. I no longer feel important. Feels like, my feelings doesn't matter to him.

Then he fetched me back to wash up and get ready for dinner. But when I reached his house, someone pat my back as I entered the door. I was like "who could that be?" To my surprise, it was Chee Guan, Eng Siew and Steven. Ahh sneakyy :) But dayum, Chee Guan spoiled the surprise. But I didn't want to say anything. N was very surprised when Chee Guan did that. So N asked me to wash up, while he will stay downstairs to do something. Ahh, I see. "Something" you mean.

When I got ready, he said that my friends will be joining us for dinner elsewhere. Okay but when I went downstairs, I saw Lyn, Chris's girlfriend. So, I thought "Heck, this will only ruin Nat's plan". So I pretended to ask N if she's joining us for dinner too. He said yes. When he knows that his plan to surprise me is somewhat gonna fail, he told me "Huiee, just do whatever that I ask you to do okay? Be a good girl, and don't ask so much"

We then head to De'Amour cafe to just catchup while "waiting" for dinner. We had coffee & light snacks. We waited will 10pm when N told me "Huiee, I know you're hungry, but just wait for awhile okay?" Soon, we head back to his house, cause apparently he "left something" in his house. As usual, I won't want to spoil his plans that I acted dumb saying "Oh, why did you off your car engine? Can't I wait in your car while you go get it?" He's like, it's not good to wait in the car.

When we opened the door, it was pitch black. He whispered into my ears saying "Dear, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the best surprise, cause everything didn't go as planned"

To my surprise, there was papers on the floor written "Happy Birthday Hui Ee, time to grow up". It was supposed to glow, but the glow in the dark paint didn't work. Though I was not surpised at all but I appreciate it. What surprised me the most was, everyone was dressed up in suits and the girls dressed up in formal dresses! Like a mafia gang. Everyone look so good that day, including N. That's the best surprise.

There's ups and downs that day. N's mum wasn't happy that he had the party in his house (Though we usually organize parties in his house). I guess, it's just me. I felt bad that she had to cook dinner and prepare for my birthday party, that I offered my help. But she rejected it. I kept on saying 'thank you, thank you for everything to her" but she still seemed abit unhappy. I didn't enjoy myself at all during the party knowing that his mum is unhappy.

My closest friends went back early cause they have to work the next day. I just hope that they could at least stay a little longer for me. My dearest bought me a princess cake, when he knows like I love being treated like a princess. TEEHEE. We didn't really drink that much that day. In fact, just a glass. The plan to get me drunk, failed afterall. I kinda felt disappointed when N didn't get my any present for our anniversary or even my birthday. I just want a personal gift from him. A personal one. Not something that he shared with others to buy for me. A handmade card/gift is enough to make me happy.

But, overall i love spending time with my close friends that night. Everyone was suited up for me, celebrated for me. Indeed, I feel blessed to have them as my close friends and N, as my dearest. I love them all :)

I just feel better saying it here. There are days that I wish I could just tell you everything, not afraid to speak my mind out. Knowing that you would care. I stopped telling you things when you asked, cause things would not change from the way it is now. Previously, I tried telling you things, without offending you, or just telling you so I would feel better, but instead you didn't care, probably only for a day or so.

Last time, you would do anything for me. When I'm feeling down, you would write letters to me, or when I wanted to see you, you would cycle out from your house, just to see me, even if its only for 10 minutes. You would ask me out. Say the sweetest words to me. Surprise me. The reason is, you're busy with work, you're busy with friends, you're busy making new friends, and you have a car now. There's no need to cycle anymore. And yes, probably you got a point there. To you, I'm not an open-minded girlfriend, timid and controlling. I highly disagree with you on that. If I'm not open-minded and is a control freak, I would have stopped you and forbid you from meeting up with girls who are very touchy with you, jump on you, flirt with you, cries to you when they are sad. IF you were me, could you tolerate any of those if another guy is doing that to me? I tried my best to deal with it, or even to forget about it. I tried soo hard, soooo hard. 

You're a person who loves attention from others. Sometimes, blinded by it that you will just push me aside. When you need me, I have to be there for you. When I need you, where were you? It's eye sore sometimes, looking at you being so close with a girl, but you have never told me about it before. I have no idea what's going on in your life nowadays, or even what you do. Or even whom you're friends with.

Honestly, I feel somewhat offended when you introduced me to your friends as your friend. Am I really your friend or your girlfriend? Sometimes, you pretended as if you're single. That gave other girls the wrong idea. You led a girl on. Shin. When I asked you why didn't you tell me that she likes you when I told you earlier that she has feelings on you? You said you don't find any necessities to tell me.

Sometimes, you said you will forget whatever that I told you, or what you have said to me that really offended me big time. But whatever that others told you, you will listen, you will pay heed, you will care. What about me?

I disliked the idea when K jumped on you or she wanted to bathe in your bathroom. You said okay to her then only asked me if I'm okay with it. I somewhat prefer if you asked me first. Not her. Am I really JUST a friend to you? I too disliked it, when you pushed your studies aside, so that you can focus more on making new friend. Making more new girl-friends (That's what you told me) especially music society. I'm not against it, but I felt sad and left out, when T said all the girls were head over heels on you and you wanted to teach them violin because of that. And you have not told me about it before.

What really hurt me most when you asked me ..more than thrice, if I will wait for you, while you go try other girls out. I said I won't. You asked "Why?". I said I won't get back together with a person whom hurt my feelings and I doubt we will still be friends. Whenever the guys are talking about girls or when I wanna meet my girlfriends up, you will ask the guys and me if the girls are hot and you want to see them. Makes me think that you're fucking desperate. Is your manhood feeling itchy?

You will hide things away from me. So sneaky and secretive. When I asked you what exactly are u doing and told you not to lie to me, you stutter. When I forced you to tell me the truth, you said you're sorry and you're just nervous, very nervous. Many told me that you won't cheat on me, but afterall the things that you have done, do you really think that things will stay the same as it was? I honestly tell you, no. When I'm with you, I don't feel like myself anymore. I have to constantly be okay with anything that you do, and not get angry (Because I promised you).

Your friends think that I'm lying when I told them about this. Do I really need to lie about all these? I can't tell this to anyone anymore. Not even my closest friend. Also, I don't want to go to Australia for an exchange or even for a transfer, cause I'm feeling insecure about you. You'll do something stupid when I'm away. Can you prove to me that I'm wrong? Can you? I have been under pressure lately because of this.

Probably, I'm just your assistant to settle things for you or just a friend.

Truth/lies

What makes me smile? I have lost count of the days where I used to smile whenever I see you, or even catch a glimpse of you. It's been a long time since I last blog. Probably I feel better after blogging it out. Its aching to keep it in. I drifted myself apart from you. I know that I can't have you, that's I want you so bad. This post makes me look like a sad fuck. It was our honeymoon year in 2008 and 2009. But things changed ever since. You lied to me, hiding things away from me, but instead, accusing me for being overly sensitive. How does it feel like to repeatedly lied to? You told people that you're single, do I bring shame to you? Some say it's your first relationship, that I can't entirely blame you for it, but instead endure everything that you do. I do rant at times, why? Because it's so frustrating that I can't tell you how I feel and what I think. Or we will definitely argue. (The cycle keeps on repeating) Do u know how huge the pressure is to be with you? Pressure from your mum if you don't excel well, pressure that if you don't excel well you can't go to Australia like what you have always told me that you want to go there, the pressure of you cheating on me and many more. (Considering the previous lies).

You said you're being comfortable with me, that you can be just who you are when you're with me. Why do you always feel sleepy when with me? When you're with others, you're hyper, as if you took heaps of sugar. You like seeing others happy, but what about me? When asking you why, you said you don't know. Just so you know, I have not been happy for a long time. When I hold your hands, you asked if I did wash my hands. Well, I think that's an insult? You literally gave me the "annoyed" look. When I'm ill, have you every cared for me? Well, that very first time when you came over to my workplace to pick me up cause I was having a real bad day at work and was having bad cramps, made me smile the whole day. Like I was love struck all over again.

Do you know what I really want from you? Just your attention. That's all. Your concern. Am I asking too much? Too much for you to commit? I admit, I diverted my attention away from you and placed it on others. Just because I feel appreciated whenever I talk to B. He talks to me everyday, asking me how's my day. Never once I feel sad talking to him. Probably I just know him for a short period of time. Truth is, I like compliments sometimes (Afterall, I'm a girl). Can you treat me like I'm a special person to you, everyday, not just on our special days?

I depend on myself, to look after myself. I can't feel safe anymore in your arms. Have I ever told you this before? A hug means everything to me. A warm and safe hug. Mum used to hug me tight, when my dad was ranting at me. Rotan-ing me. I clearly remember what she told me "Don't cry, mummy is here for you, you will be safe" I grew up with that in mind.

I want to be appreciated for what I have done for others. Same to you too. Ugh, what a weak in this post. I grew up too, being insecure in everything I do. Feeling so afraid. Including Boogeyman (Long time story, what an embarrassment) I don't like being lonely, I really hate that feeling. Being lonely is like, there's no shoulders to lie on, no one to comfort me, no one to make me smile, no one to talk to,


Only if you know this.