Today is the day where i completely shut you out from my life.

Call me heartless, but it's nothing compared to the hurt you gave me. I was a fool. I was a joke to you all these while. I was an idiot, for not realizing that earlier.

Thank you for stripping me off, layer by layer, slowly in pain.

I cried too many times. While you, enjoying your time partying.

I gave up on too many things for you. We are not meant to be together, so be it.

The reason why i look forward to going back home, is the Viper Challenge and for you. With a hope. But it's crushed anyway. You know how much I look forward to it, but you have never told me about it. You said i sound disappointed, but how can I not be disappointed? You tell me.

I began to feel like i'm being myself again. Being apart from you, makes me realize so many things. I was so blinded by love. I guess it's a curse that I have to go through. You start the conversation first, but usually wont reply when i reply to it. Then what's the point talking?

Makes me feel like starting a new life here in Australia. But Singapore is still my main priority. I'm not hiding away, it's my normal protective mechanism to protect myself from being hurt again.

Are there any guys out there that will change my mind one day?

I doubt so.

I will always, remember what you have done to me.

The Hui Ee you know, died today.

Breaking up with you on the 25th of March, was indeed a big blow to me. NEVER in my life, I hated someone so much before. I can't rant this elsewhere, I can't rant this to anyone (aside my closest friends), I can't make it official on Twitter and Facebook cause I'm waiting for you to do so. Talking to you like a normal friend, pretending nothing happened, do you really think it's easy for me? You said you still want to talk to me as a friend, I hated every single moment of it. Even Snapchat triggers every feeling! Every single bit of it. I held in my tears, I tried not to cry. I have to muster up enough courage to do it all the time.

It's the 28th today. We were supposed to celebrate our monthversary. It's my sister's birthday as well. I hate this number. I really hate it! 28th. Will be one of the dates I hate in my life.

We have been through so much. I feel like your dummy. You led me on. Do you ever have genuine feelings for me before? Catch a falling star? It's such a contradiction that I fell hard and no ones there to catch me. Your reason of breaking up?

1) You don't know what's out there for you to explore
2) You have this strong urge to know how it feels like to be single
3) You engaged yourself in so many social activities that you don't have time for me
4) You don't want to hurt me anymore

I had the urge of knowing how it feels like to be single, but I will never give up on someone I love the most. Loving you, has been the best times of my life. Why can't you balance both social activities and me in your life? I'm only asking for 1 hour of your time of skyping and you can't even do it. You said you have tried, but can't you try harder? Sacrificing for me was never an option for you all these while. What I find pathetic is that you asked your friend to be there for me when I'm at the lowest point in my life. You said you will be there for me till I'm ready to let go. Im not an object FYI.

Reason is?

You feel bad.

I find myself stupid for loving you. I would do anything just to be with you, just to message you all the time.  I even ran out in the cold, to the university just to get an internet access so I would be able to talk to you when Optus line was down. It's so stupid. I'm stupid.

The night we broke, within one hour you deleted all of my photos and our memories together. This proves how fast you can get over it. How much more heartless can you be?

You asked me not be attached to anyone in this 4 months period. Okay fine,  I will wait till you decide what's best for you. Your call. I am the one who always have to do the waiting, but what if it's not worth the wait?

There's so many things that I don't know about you. You did things that you have not told me about. Who ended up telling me? Your friends. This is unbearable. All of these, are lies.

What we have been through are all lies.

Your friends are having a birthday surprise for you, and apparently it's supposed to be a secret away from me. They played it this way. You played it this way. Way to go guys. If you all feed on my misery, go on. I'm left with nothing but a broken heart. You win. You all win. I know I'm not in a position to know about it.

How much more do you want to hurt me?

I wish I have never met you before.

I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be given false hope. I don't want to wait.

I will shut myself down completely.

I will only blog about what I have experienced in Australia in the next post.

For now, I want to make things right. No more doubts. I have recently read this post "5 tips to surviving an LDR (Long Distance Relationship)" which slapped me awake, that being away from you is not a bad thing afterall. Distance had been unbearable to me for the past few weeks (Since the day I arrived here, 16th of February 2014) and on those few days where I need a good hug, cry or even celebrate something, I'm alone and you're not there for me.

* *Link: http://shashasekharan.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/5-tips-to-surviving-an-ldr/

I have recently continued doodling about my life in my sketchbook, my life companion here. I have my pet pillow, Fluffy too. Oh, I love hugging it to sleep, every single night.

"An LDR? Its easy to reject a call, ignore that text/email/snapchat/whatsapp or whatever it is that people do on their phones nowadays. Its easier to not voice it out and ignore the problem. Hence communication. If there is a problem, talk about it, find a solution. No point ignoring someone you love now is there?"

On the day I reached here, you didn't even whatsapp me how am I doing, have I reached safely yet, or have I met up with Kevin to pick me up from Tulamarine, Melbourne airport. I'm still using my Malaysian for Whatsapp anyway. When I knew you have shown so much concern and motivation to Faith even when she's just moving to a new house, I was taken aback. I'm here, all alone, in a foreign country, you showed zero concern to me. I was so hurt, so so hurt. I cried for days. I have tried every single thing (Including biting myself, or do things that will make me forget about it) but I can't. I was frustrated. Probably I tried too hard. Listening to your voice means so much to me. Only if you know that.

I was campaigning sleeplessness, just to talk to you. But I will refuse to admit that I have insufficient sleep. Truth is, I don't. I'd rather sleep for 3 hours only, as long as I get to talk to you. In the morning I was so sleep deprived that I had daytime sleepiness, headache and depression. When I'm asleep, you will be awake. When I'm awake, you will be asleep. Although the time differences between Melbourne and Malaysia is only 3 hours, you still struggle to find time for me.

Previously, we came to an agreement to Skype every day for an hour. One hour, is all I need from you. When I was feeling upset, were you there for me? Instead, you just said "Come on, grow up. It's not the end of the world" These words, they choked me. They resonate in my heart. They won't let me sleep.

Do you know about the wonders of Whatsapp? The "last seen at.." function. You read my messages but you will never reply. Your reason? You didn't see. You're replying others on the groupchat, but you told me you didn't see. Fine, I will just let it slide. I will update you every single day about my life in Australia through Snapchat, but you hardly do so. It's just a reply to what I sent to you.

Just now, when I asked you "Is Faith joining the audition as well" TWICE, you chose to ignore it and changed topic. Why do you always hide things away from me? I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you're thinking about or what you're doing. A simple good morning, or hey baby i'm going to sleep now, means soo soo much to me Really, -THHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT MUCH-

Honestly, there's so much of temptations here. There are many good guys around. Call me an idiot, but I just can't let you go. I will choose to hide at a corner and weep about it. I have no one to talk to (cause I know it's our personal problems & I shouldn't mention this to anyone. I'm jealous of you, PL. You have a really great guy, who looks after you eventhough you both are miles apart. "Can I get a bao bao from you, Please button up, I love you, This flower reminds me of you..etc" Mini surprises like a visit to Europe or even Maldives.

That, I can never and won't expect it from N. I know, for sure, you won't do it for me. You will not sail through the storms, just to see me, which contradicts with the poem you wrote for me years ago. It's difficult to keep a smile on my face, when I'm down. Had to do it anyway. Why am I still wasting my time waiting for you, wishing that you will never change. Do u know the reason why I picked up cooking, dance or even developing an interest for games? It's for you. I don't want to be seen as the useless girlfriend, whom you will never be proud off. Yes, I'm not a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. You said you need your space but when i chose not to reply, you will say "I know you're bitching about me, so why didn't you reply me?"

I'm not that low to bitch about you to anyone else. FYI

Why did you pick me anyways? Why do you do this to me? If you can't be sure that I'm the one, why did you go after me? If you wanted to try other girls first, WHY PICK ME. WHY! I don't like to be fooled around. I don't like my love for someone to be stomped on and pretend as if nothing  happened before.

Your words and actions killed me.

Yes, I'm feeling jolly now and will always be. Pretending like nothing happened.  

Being an adult

So, I'm 21 now.

How does it feel like being 21? Well, no difference. Nothing significant happened on that day, but I sure do get lots of presents! Wippeeee! :D

Boyfriend organized a party for me, though I sort of expected that it will be held at his house. His plan didn't go very smoothly that day. We bought Laser tag coupons from Groupon for ourselves and friends. Unfortunately, we did not read the terms and conditions that its only valid on weekdays not weekends. It was a careless mistake that we did not read it prior to buying it. We were supposed to meet up with everyone else at 430pm, but most of them reached late. Everyone was putting the blame on us, especially my boyfriend. I dislike it when Tarvin's like "Omg, you stupid, you should not have planned anything at all, it will never turn out well". Hey, my boyfriend has feelings too okay :( Some even gave suggestions to go for a karaoke. Only half of them are willing to pay RM55 for laser tag (without the coupon).

I know he's stressed up planning things for me. That day, I felt a tinge of loneliness. In the morning, N went out with Kylie to buy things for my birthday surprise. On our way there, he kept on calling me "Your majesty", picking me up from my house with his "chariot". Yes, I'm flattered that I actually felt like I'm a queen. Wahaha! For once :) When we reached Mid Valley, I tried talking to him. But he's always on his phone, texting & calling. I know he planned things for me, that's why I didn't want to bother him that much. Probably he's stressed up. That's when I felt lonely. I tried talking to him, giving him suggestions, or even asking him questions, he will just take a glance at me and look away.

When Kylie talks to him about anything at all, like when she wants to buy a new phone, or was even fascinated with the Astro "tweeting" thingy, he will talk to her, and walk with her. So, I guess I will just walk behind of them, since he ignored me. If you would think it's jealousy, I don't think so. I just feel like I'm being ignored.

Luckily Riyal managed to persuade the Laser Tag management to let us use our coupons on that day, since it's my birthday and it's hard to gather everyone together for that day. Things went smoothly, but N keeps on blaming himself. Sigh. I don't want him to feel that way. It makes me sad when he's stressed up or sad. I was also sad that time cause I couldn't do anything. I don't even know what's going on.

Laser tag with friends was awesome :) We played 3 games, and it feels much different being a member and a non-member. You get much more privileges being a member, with automatic gun etc etc. Then everyone bid their farewells and told me that they will see me some other time, since my boyfriend have "dinner plans" with me. But the truth is, they went back home to get ready for the party :')

What makes me sad that day too was when Kylie and Ronald argued over a small matter. Ronald's being an egoistic boyfriend who will never admit his mistakes and will never try to make things right. Kylie has a princessy/egoistic temper that she will not call him, and will frown or even walk away to somewhere and everyone will have to go around looking for her. I tried my bestest to calm her down, offered my hugs, trying to make her laugh, but she rejected everything. Ronald was supposed to fetch her back, but he walked away without her. I told her that N can fetch her back, but she doesn't want to. Time was delayed. But Tarvin dragged her to a corner to talk about it. N just went off while me standing waiting for him. He went off to find her. I no longer feel important. Feels like, my feelings doesn't matter to him.

Then he fetched me back to wash up and get ready for dinner. But when I reached his house, someone pat my back as I entered the door. I was like "who could that be?" To my surprise, it was Chee Guan, Eng Siew and Steven. Ahh sneakyy :) But dayum, Chee Guan spoiled the surprise. But I didn't want to say anything. N was very surprised when Chee Guan did that. So N asked me to wash up, while he will stay downstairs to do something. Ahh, I see. "Something" you mean.

When I got ready, he said that my friends will be joining us for dinner elsewhere. Okay but when I went downstairs, I saw Lyn, Chris's girlfriend. So, I thought "Heck, this will only ruin Nat's plan". So I pretended to ask N if she's joining us for dinner too. He said yes. When he knows that his plan to surprise me is somewhat gonna fail, he told me "Huiee, just do whatever that I ask you to do okay? Be a good girl, and don't ask so much"

We then head to De'Amour cafe to just catchup while "waiting" for dinner. We had coffee & light snacks. We waited will 10pm when N told me "Huiee, I know you're hungry, but just wait for awhile okay?" Soon, we head back to his house, cause apparently he "left something" in his house. As usual, I won't want to spoil his plans that I acted dumb saying "Oh, why did you off your car engine? Can't I wait in your car while you go get it?" He's like, it's not good to wait in the car.

When we opened the door, it was pitch black. He whispered into my ears saying "Dear, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the best surprise, cause everything didn't go as planned"

To my surprise, there was papers on the floor written "Happy Birthday Hui Ee, time to grow up". It was supposed to glow, but the glow in the dark paint didn't work. Though I was not surpised at all but I appreciate it. What surprised me the most was, everyone was dressed up in suits and the girls dressed up in formal dresses! Like a mafia gang. Everyone look so good that day, including N. That's the best surprise.

There's ups and downs that day. N's mum wasn't happy that he had the party in his house (Though we usually organize parties in his house). I guess, it's just me. I felt bad that she had to cook dinner and prepare for my birthday party, that I offered my help. But she rejected it. I kept on saying 'thank you, thank you for everything to her" but she still seemed abit unhappy. I didn't enjoy myself at all during the party knowing that his mum is unhappy.

My closest friends went back early cause they have to work the next day. I just hope that they could at least stay a little longer for me. My dearest bought me a princess cake, when he knows like I love being treated like a princess. TEEHEE. We didn't really drink that much that day. In fact, just a glass. The plan to get me drunk, failed afterall. I kinda felt disappointed when N didn't get my any present for our anniversary or even my birthday. I just want a personal gift from him. A personal one. Not something that he shared with others to buy for me. A handmade card/gift is enough to make me happy.

But, overall i love spending time with my close friends that night. Everyone was suited up for me, celebrated for me. Indeed, I feel blessed to have them as my close friends and N, as my dearest. I love them all :)

I just feel better saying it here. There are days that I wish I could just tell you everything, not afraid to speak my mind out. Knowing that you would care. I stopped telling you things when you asked, cause things would not change from the way it is now. Previously, I tried telling you things, without offending you, or just telling you so I would feel better, but instead you didn't care, probably only for a day or so.

Last time, you would do anything for me. When I'm feeling down, you would write letters to me, or when I wanted to see you, you would cycle out from your house, just to see me, even if its only for 10 minutes. You would ask me out. Say the sweetest words to me. Surprise me. The reason is, you're busy with work, you're busy with friends, you're busy making new friends, and you have a car now. There's no need to cycle anymore. And yes, probably you got a point there. To you, I'm not an open-minded girlfriend, timid and controlling. I highly disagree with you on that. If I'm not open-minded and is a control freak, I would have stopped you and forbid you from meeting up with girls who are very touchy with you, jump on you, flirt with you, cries to you when they are sad. IF you were me, could you tolerate any of those if another guy is doing that to me? I tried my best to deal with it, or even to forget about it. I tried soo hard, soooo hard. 

You're a person who loves attention from others. Sometimes, blinded by it that you will just push me aside. When you need me, I have to be there for you. When I need you, where were you? It's eye sore sometimes, looking at you being so close with a girl, but you have never told me about it before. I have no idea what's going on in your life nowadays, or even what you do. Or even whom you're friends with.

Honestly, I feel somewhat offended when you introduced me to your friends as your friend. Am I really your friend or your girlfriend? Sometimes, you pretended as if you're single. That gave other girls the wrong idea. You led a girl on. Shin. When I asked you why didn't you tell me that she likes you when I told you earlier that she has feelings on you? You said you don't find any necessities to tell me.

Sometimes, you said you will forget whatever that I told you, or what you have said to me that really offended me big time. But whatever that others told you, you will listen, you will pay heed, you will care. What about me?

I disliked the idea when K jumped on you or she wanted to bathe in your bathroom. You said okay to her then only asked me if I'm okay with it. I somewhat prefer if you asked me first. Not her. Am I really JUST a friend to you? I too disliked it, when you pushed your studies aside, so that you can focus more on making new friend. Making more new girl-friends (That's what you told me) especially music society. I'm not against it, but I felt sad and left out, when T said all the girls were head over heels on you and you wanted to teach them violin because of that. And you have not told me about it before.

What really hurt me most when you asked me ..more than thrice, if I will wait for you, while you go try other girls out. I said I won't. You asked "Why?". I said I won't get back together with a person whom hurt my feelings and I doubt we will still be friends. Whenever the guys are talking about girls or when I wanna meet my girlfriends up, you will ask the guys and me if the girls are hot and you want to see them. Makes me think that you're fucking desperate. Is your manhood feeling itchy?

You will hide things away from me. So sneaky and secretive. When I asked you what exactly are u doing and told you not to lie to me, you stutter. When I forced you to tell me the truth, you said you're sorry and you're just nervous, very nervous. Many told me that you won't cheat on me, but afterall the things that you have done, do you really think that things will stay the same as it was? I honestly tell you, no. When I'm with you, I don't feel like myself anymore. I have to constantly be okay with anything that you do, and not get angry (Because I promised you).

Your friends think that I'm lying when I told them about this. Do I really need to lie about all these? I can't tell this to anyone anymore. Not even my closest friend. Also, I don't want to go to Australia for an exchange or even for a transfer, cause I'm feeling insecure about you. You'll do something stupid when I'm away. Can you prove to me that I'm wrong? Can you? I have been under pressure lately because of this.

Probably, I'm just your assistant to settle things for you or just a friend.

Truth/lies

What makes me smile? I have lost count of the days where I used to smile whenever I see you, or even catch a glimpse of you. It's been a long time since I last blog. Probably I feel better after blogging it out. Its aching to keep it in. I drifted myself apart from you. I know that I can't have you, that's I want you so bad. This post makes me look like a sad fuck. It was our honeymoon year in 2008 and 2009. But things changed ever since. You lied to me, hiding things away from me, but instead, accusing me for being overly sensitive. How does it feel like to repeatedly lied to? You told people that you're single, do I bring shame to you? Some say it's your first relationship, that I can't entirely blame you for it, but instead endure everything that you do. I do rant at times, why? Because it's so frustrating that I can't tell you how I feel and what I think. Or we will definitely argue. (The cycle keeps on repeating) Do u know how huge the pressure is to be with you? Pressure from your mum if you don't excel well, pressure that if you don't excel well you can't go to Australia like what you have always told me that you want to go there, the pressure of you cheating on me and many more. (Considering the previous lies).

You said you're being comfortable with me, that you can be just who you are when you're with me. Why do you always feel sleepy when with me? When you're with others, you're hyper, as if you took heaps of sugar. You like seeing others happy, but what about me? When asking you why, you said you don't know. Just so you know, I have not been happy for a long time. When I hold your hands, you asked if I did wash my hands. Well, I think that's an insult? You literally gave me the "annoyed" look. When I'm ill, have you every cared for me? Well, that very first time when you came over to my workplace to pick me up cause I was having a real bad day at work and was having bad cramps, made me smile the whole day. Like I was love struck all over again.

Do you know what I really want from you? Just your attention. That's all. Your concern. Am I asking too much? Too much for you to commit? I admit, I diverted my attention away from you and placed it on others. Just because I feel appreciated whenever I talk to B. He talks to me everyday, asking me how's my day. Never once I feel sad talking to him. Probably I just know him for a short period of time. Truth is, I like compliments sometimes (Afterall, I'm a girl). Can you treat me like I'm a special person to you, everyday, not just on our special days?

I depend on myself, to look after myself. I can't feel safe anymore in your arms. Have I ever told you this before? A hug means everything to me. A warm and safe hug. Mum used to hug me tight, when my dad was ranting at me. Rotan-ing me. I clearly remember what she told me "Don't cry, mummy is here for you, you will be safe" I grew up with that in mind.

I want to be appreciated for what I have done for others. Same to you too. Ugh, what a weak in this post. I grew up too, being insecure in everything I do. Feeling so afraid. Including Boogeyman (Long time story, what an embarrassment) I don't like being lonely, I really hate that feeling. Being lonely is like, there's no shoulders to lie on, no one to comfort me, no one to make me smile, no one to talk to,


Only if you know this.

Pretty much hating Feb 14 now.

Hometown..and Nat. Which one? DO I HAVE A CHOICE?!

Why must valentines day falls on CHINESE NEW YEAR? Not celebrating it this year will be a pain in my ass. )=

Was wondering hows it having a college life.

New friends? a brand new car? TONS of assignments? Cant i get into college any faster? )=

Speaking of my pay,have to get it on time!! I wont want to work on chinese new year, or else my life will suck! Hehe

I have done all of the decos for cny! Harh! In your face man mr boss! ;D No kids = lots of free time. Time to eat to spend my free time over there! *Yay*